Everyday is Mother's Day...Right?!

I've started to write this post about 10 times and I can't write for crying.  Mother's Day will always be bittersweet for me, no two ways about it.  My heart is full to bursting being the momma of my two precious girls.  My heart breaks in two again missing my own Momma.  I suppose that it will be that way until we meet again, and I have to be okay with that.  If she wasn't so amazing, it wouldn't hurt so much.  But I cannot be completely sad, I have too much to be happy about!  My girls have given me the best "job" I could ever have!  When I hold them and kiss them and smell their hair, I get a glimpse of what Heaven must be like.  When I watch them sing and dance together, love on each other, or hold hands while they are sleeping, I can't hold back the tears.  There just aren't words for that. When I'm holding back a handful of red curls and cleaning up after a 3am stomach bug, when they've changed clothes for the umpteenth time in 24 hours and I don't know what's clean and what's not, when somebody has a nightmare but doesn't know what a nightmare is and comes running crying into my room...those moments are sacred too, but in a different way.  And then there are those other moments...when they're fighting over a drink in the backseat and all of a sudden my head is wet, when I can't type a sentence for having to get up and fix a drink or wipe a behind, when I really really wish that someone would come and get them before my head explodes but know that nobody is on their way.  I think we've all been there.  It's all part of being a momma, and I wouldn't trade that job for anything.  

There's a line from one of my favorite movies that comes to mind when I think of my girls.  In Hope Floats, Birdee is talking to her daughter Bernice and tells her, "I"m just an ordinary person.  And that's OK. Because YOU make me special.  Don't you know that?  Don't you know that you are everything in this world to me?"  That's exactly how I feel.  I wish I could explain that in terms that my girls could understand, but I think it's not something that you can fully grasp until you're older.  After 5 1/2 years, I'm still learning how to do this momma thing, and making plenty of mistakes along the way.  I lose my patience too much and don't "let it go" enough. (Now that's stuck in your head.  You're welcome.)  I want my girls to remember me the way that I remember my Momma.  To me, being a momma is one of the highest honors, and I want to respect that.  I've got a long way to go, but I'm thankful that the good Lord and my sweet girls love me and forgive me like they do.  I'm thankful for a husband that loves me and helps me on this journey.  I'm thankful for the great examples I've had to learn from, not just my own Momma, but many others.  

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!  

40

Today, the girls and I ate lunch with my sweet Daddy on what would have been his and Momma's 40th wedding anniversary.  Wow.  I try not to wish my life away, but sometimes I just think...  I know my Momma would not come back from where she is for anything in this world, and deep, deep down, I wouldn't want her to.  I believe that she watches over us, sees our smiles and our joys, and talks to her Father about us.  Most of the time, those thoughts are enough for me.  But sometimes, the hurt creeps back in and I have a very selfish longing for her to be here with me.  To talk to me and hold me when I'm hurting.  To laugh and cry with me, like she always did.  To take care of me when I'm sick.  But most of all, to love these girls of ours.  To play with them and read to them and teach them.  To show, by her actions and love, the truest meanings of grace and beauty.  My heart aches for that sometimes.  I've told Justin many times how certain things would be different if she were here.  Then, a few weeks ago, that thought took on a different perspective.  Driving to school one morning, kind of out of nowhere, this thought came in my head (sort of like a whisper from above, if you will): Daddy and I would not have the relationship that we have now if Momma were still here.  Bam.  Almost drove off the road.  My Daddy and I are closer now than we have ever been.  We talk on the phone almost daily, he makes excuses to come see the girls all the time, he and Justin are forever working on one project or another.  Our relationship is better now than it's been in 30 something years.  I won't go into details, but if you know us, you know.  I cannot tell you exactly what happened or when, only that the Lord is still in the business of healing, still in the business of miracles.  He hears the cries of His children's hearts, when words cannot be spoken.  I prayed and prayed for my Momma to be healed of her cancer, for her health to be restored.  God had a different plan (as Mrs. Patsy sang so beautifully in church this morning) for healing and restoration.  I'm so glad He did.  Today my Daddy was sad, missing Momma as we all are.  But his sadness was tempered with the joy and laughter and kisses from 2 little girls that think that he hung the moon.  I like to think that Momma was there with us, watching Daddy try to eat his tacos with his arms full of Slaydon girls, and smiling.  I think she would've thought that was the best anniversary present of all.